And that's the end of that chapter!
So here we are again. I am writing once again after another relationship. This one definitely breaks my mold from the past, but is quite confusing from my perspective. I am sure that I have idealized some things about its. Its not like the relationship lasted a long time, exactly 14 days.
It started on a dating website, as most of my relationships do. I am not ashamed of it really. I think they offer communication in a nonthreatening and in this case free forum. I saw her profile, thought she seemed really cool. We had a lot of things in common, specifically tastes in movies and tv shows. I don't find people with very similar tastes in movies and tv shows often, especially when it comes to girls.
I had gone into this looking for just a friend or someone to talk to. I really had no romantic expectations not that I was closed off to them, it was definitely contrary to how I normally do things. We exchanged some messages on the site for a while, and found out that we really had a lot in common. We had many of the same opinions about things, another thing that does not happen that often. I still was not expecting anything to happen.
We chatted a few times on the website. One day we were both craving some chinese food and decided to meet for some. I was not thinking of it as a date at the time, but it definitely developed into one as we went on. Chinese was great we warmed up to each other after a little bit of talking. She didn't live right in Eau Claire, so I didn't feel right just parting ways after she had driven to Eau Claire to have dinner with me. Lets just say the date went really well. Nothing dirty. Just had great conversation, I got to show her a movie she had never seen and enjoyed. I always enjoy doing that. I was definitely more convinced after this date of the romantic relationship that was to follow.
I wont go through all of the details of the whole 2 weeks, but I thought things were going well. She was heading to a conference out of the area but happened to stop by my apartment and left a love note on my door, not something I am accustomed to getting. It was very sweet and it definitely made me smile really big. I can't bring myself to discard it yet. I wouldn't get to see her until 5 days later. We talked a few of the nights she was gone, but not the other ones. It really was not a big deal. The next time I saw her was this past saturday and it was not much of a date. Just a stop by to break up with me.
She had a point that she does not know where she was going with her life, but neither do I. I am not too worried at this point where my life is going. I understand that she can go in many different directions, and does not want anything to skew her decisions. I would never want to hold her back from doing what she wants to do. She says she is also not ready for a serious relationship right now. I was not looking for a relationship when we met and she convinced me otherwise, then tells me that she is not ready for it. I am so confused by this. I just wanted someone to hang out with, go to movies with. Nothing romantic. Then I get all switched up with this stuff. I just don't understand all of this and would like some outside input. I know that it is over, but I just can't accept it right now. Its really lame, but I just don't like throwing something that I was enjoying away. I would much rather see where everything goes.
I guess she didn't want to have any commitments around here. It wasn't perfect relationship of course. I was a little needy for attention, but I really just went by how she acted in the beginning and did the same. I guess she slowed down the communication after the very beginning and I stayed at the same pace. I was not as overbearing as I have been in the past. She seems to think that I want to get married soon, which is not really true. I would not at all mind a long term committed relationship but to me that is much different than marriage. Honestly I would rather had had someone to see movies with than a relationship, but of course it didn't happen that way. Now I have no one other than my roommate and her boyfriend to go see the next Harry Potter with. I don't really like being the third wheel all that much.
Well that is all I have about the past few weeks. I really have no hard feelings, mostly because I still really like her. I will have to get over that some time. The rest of this will be some wonderful self analysis.
I am so needy. I don't know why, but I have definitely spent lots of time thinking about it. I really like attention, and I think part of it is because I am the middle child. I never got enough of it as a kid and I somehow use relationships as a way to get attention, which is definitely very messed up.
Another reason I like to get attention in relationships is because I waited so long for my first one. I have had very little success in relationship only having a handful of months in relationships altogether. I didn't have my first relationship or kiss until I was 23 years old. I went on a few dates before then, I had enjoyed some of the dates, but that was about it. I guess having waited so long to even have someone willing to kiss me, or even willing to get that close to me that did a little bit of damage psychologically.
I think growing up and not having many good female friends, I never really got adjusted to dealing with girls. I am still awkward at times and nervous. I am 24 years old and I am still nervous when it comes to meeting girls. Its just something that I never learned.
I also never really learned to be an openly emotional person. I am way too logical and nowhere near enough emotion. I think part of the reason I run more on my brain than on my heart is because of the depression I had to deal with. It was not easy, and my best weapon against it was also the thing I had to fight, my mind. It enables me to do this type of self analysis. Its not that I am not caring, I know that I show how caring I am to people.
So going back to this past relationship, she asked me how I saw a relationship. I said that I saw it as a yin yang. The two people need to be complementary to each other. IN this case she was more of a talker and I was more of a listener. She was more emotional, and I was definitely more logical. I know it does not really count, because that relationship is over but the more that I thought about it the better the relationship seemed. This theory of mine is kinda a spin off of the olive theory from How I Met Your Mother.
Well that is all I needed to spill today. I actually feel much better for having written it down.
Peter
It started on a dating website, as most of my relationships do. I am not ashamed of it really. I think they offer communication in a nonthreatening and in this case free forum. I saw her profile, thought she seemed really cool. We had a lot of things in common, specifically tastes in movies and tv shows. I don't find people with very similar tastes in movies and tv shows often, especially when it comes to girls.
I had gone into this looking for just a friend or someone to talk to. I really had no romantic expectations not that I was closed off to them, it was definitely contrary to how I normally do things. We exchanged some messages on the site for a while, and found out that we really had a lot in common. We had many of the same opinions about things, another thing that does not happen that often. I still was not expecting anything to happen.
We chatted a few times on the website. One day we were both craving some chinese food and decided to meet for some. I was not thinking of it as a date at the time, but it definitely developed into one as we went on. Chinese was great we warmed up to each other after a little bit of talking. She didn't live right in Eau Claire, so I didn't feel right just parting ways after she had driven to Eau Claire to have dinner with me. Lets just say the date went really well. Nothing dirty. Just had great conversation, I got to show her a movie she had never seen and enjoyed. I always enjoy doing that. I was definitely more convinced after this date of the romantic relationship that was to follow.
I wont go through all of the details of the whole 2 weeks, but I thought things were going well. She was heading to a conference out of the area but happened to stop by my apartment and left a love note on my door, not something I am accustomed to getting. It was very sweet and it definitely made me smile really big. I can't bring myself to discard it yet. I wouldn't get to see her until 5 days later. We talked a few of the nights she was gone, but not the other ones. It really was not a big deal. The next time I saw her was this past saturday and it was not much of a date. Just a stop by to break up with me.
She had a point that she does not know where she was going with her life, but neither do I. I am not too worried at this point where my life is going. I understand that she can go in many different directions, and does not want anything to skew her decisions. I would never want to hold her back from doing what she wants to do. She says she is also not ready for a serious relationship right now. I was not looking for a relationship when we met and she convinced me otherwise, then tells me that she is not ready for it. I am so confused by this. I just wanted someone to hang out with, go to movies with. Nothing romantic. Then I get all switched up with this stuff. I just don't understand all of this and would like some outside input. I know that it is over, but I just can't accept it right now. Its really lame, but I just don't like throwing something that I was enjoying away. I would much rather see where everything goes.
I guess she didn't want to have any commitments around here. It wasn't perfect relationship of course. I was a little needy for attention, but I really just went by how she acted in the beginning and did the same. I guess she slowed down the communication after the very beginning and I stayed at the same pace. I was not as overbearing as I have been in the past. She seems to think that I want to get married soon, which is not really true. I would not at all mind a long term committed relationship but to me that is much different than marriage. Honestly I would rather had had someone to see movies with than a relationship, but of course it didn't happen that way. Now I have no one other than my roommate and her boyfriend to go see the next Harry Potter with. I don't really like being the third wheel all that much.
Well that is all I have about the past few weeks. I really have no hard feelings, mostly because I still really like her. I will have to get over that some time. The rest of this will be some wonderful self analysis.
I am so needy. I don't know why, but I have definitely spent lots of time thinking about it. I really like attention, and I think part of it is because I am the middle child. I never got enough of it as a kid and I somehow use relationships as a way to get attention, which is definitely very messed up.
Another reason I like to get attention in relationships is because I waited so long for my first one. I have had very little success in relationship only having a handful of months in relationships altogether. I didn't have my first relationship or kiss until I was 23 years old. I went on a few dates before then, I had enjoyed some of the dates, but that was about it. I guess having waited so long to even have someone willing to kiss me, or even willing to get that close to me that did a little bit of damage psychologically.
I think growing up and not having many good female friends, I never really got adjusted to dealing with girls. I am still awkward at times and nervous. I am 24 years old and I am still nervous when it comes to meeting girls. Its just something that I never learned.
I also never really learned to be an openly emotional person. I am way too logical and nowhere near enough emotion. I think part of the reason I run more on my brain than on my heart is because of the depression I had to deal with. It was not easy, and my best weapon against it was also the thing I had to fight, my mind. It enables me to do this type of self analysis. Its not that I am not caring, I know that I show how caring I am to people.
So going back to this past relationship, she asked me how I saw a relationship. I said that I saw it as a yin yang. The two people need to be complementary to each other. IN this case she was more of a talker and I was more of a listener. She was more emotional, and I was definitely more logical. I know it does not really count, because that relationship is over but the more that I thought about it the better the relationship seemed. This theory of mine is kinda a spin off of the olive theory from How I Met Your Mother.
Well that is all I needed to spill today. I actually feel much better for having written it down.
Peter
Labels: analysis, anxiety, depression, relationship
posted by weckpd | 8:55 PM
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