Follow-up to my last post.
Well that last post I wrote about a girl and this is just a follow up to what has happened since.
I probably only have myself to blame for all of this. I probably guilted her into reconsidering her decision. We got back together after but it was not the same. She never really opened up to me. I was never someone she talked to about her feelings, it was always after the fact when she would tell me she was nervous about something the next day, or just not in a good mood. Never told me the day of, just acted distant again.
Knowing me I have idealized every part of her, but she literally met everything that I said I was looking for in someone else. We had very compatible senses of humor. Had similar interests in tv and movies. We were able to have open discussions about such things and debate them without getting mad at one another.
I read too much into her flirting. Its actually funny, one of her friends liked the idea of me dating her much more than she ever did. The first week was amazing but once she started to question it, it was just never the same. I guess it is time for me to really let go since we are not going to be dating. Its always nice to have someone to compare compatibility of everyone in the future to. And its funny, I was not the one who was thinking of this as dating to begin with.
I have never been so messed with in the head before. Throughout the whole thing I don't think she communicated very well at all. I was always in the dark with how she was feeling even when I was being honest and up front about it. She said she valued honesty and openness, but I think her friend knew much more about how she felt than I ever did. I really wish we could just start over from scratch. I would probably still be hesitant at first.
Its funny how I went into this thinking of it as someone just to hang out and do things with from time to time, but on that first visit she had other ideas. Then I was convinced to go for that, but then she changed her mind. God I love getting fucked with. I think the problem was that she started thinking about the relationship as a relationship and the put a damper on it. When she was just as happy an excited as I was it was amazing. Then suddenly the actual realization that she was in a relationship and it was over. I just don't understand it, maybe that is just my problem. I am wired differently than everyone else. I lead myself on too much. I know we have chemistry and then I assumed that actually meant something to someone other than myself.
The weird thing is that I now know its over. I am at least at peace with that. I am used to being a bit down and alone. I just get too excited by the idea of being with someone. I think either way I would have felt ok. I must be the only person who gets lonely. She sure doesn't seem to want that kind of companionship. Maybe i want it too much. I really want to rewire my brain and how it works. I am just tired of this. I don't want to be wanting this all the time. I want to be able to just shrug it off and not care. I envy her for being able to do that.
I really want to not be messed up like this anymore. This could just be that I am not healthy enough to be in a relationship.
I still think part of the problem is that she is afraid to be in a relationship where everything is on the table. She definitely held back a lot in the relationship when she started thinking about this. I just don't think you can go through a relationship and hide things that bother you. I might just expect people to be too open and honest about stuff.
I need to take some time to reflect upon this and to continue working on myself.I know I need to work on myself a lot both physically and psychologically. I need to take some time away from girls, not that I actually have to try to do that. I am glad I at least had a chance to talk to this girl and get some answers. I need to figure out what it is I want in the future. This time around I was really just looking for someone to do things with and then if that developed into something that would be ok. If not, oh well.
For those who will be asking from this, yes I am ok. I am not really depressed from this, maybe it has not set in yet, or maybe I have learned to work with it.
I probably only have myself to blame for all of this. I probably guilted her into reconsidering her decision. We got back together after but it was not the same. She never really opened up to me. I was never someone she talked to about her feelings, it was always after the fact when she would tell me she was nervous about something the next day, or just not in a good mood. Never told me the day of, just acted distant again.
Knowing me I have idealized every part of her, but she literally met everything that I said I was looking for in someone else. We had very compatible senses of humor. Had similar interests in tv and movies. We were able to have open discussions about such things and debate them without getting mad at one another.
I read too much into her flirting. Its actually funny, one of her friends liked the idea of me dating her much more than she ever did. The first week was amazing but once she started to question it, it was just never the same. I guess it is time for me to really let go since we are not going to be dating. Its always nice to have someone to compare compatibility of everyone in the future to. And its funny, I was not the one who was thinking of this as dating to begin with.
I have never been so messed with in the head before. Throughout the whole thing I don't think she communicated very well at all. I was always in the dark with how she was feeling even when I was being honest and up front about it. She said she valued honesty and openness, but I think her friend knew much more about how she felt than I ever did. I really wish we could just start over from scratch. I would probably still be hesitant at first.
Its funny how I went into this thinking of it as someone just to hang out and do things with from time to time, but on that first visit she had other ideas. Then I was convinced to go for that, but then she changed her mind. God I love getting fucked with. I think the problem was that she started thinking about the relationship as a relationship and the put a damper on it. When she was just as happy an excited as I was it was amazing. Then suddenly the actual realization that she was in a relationship and it was over. I just don't understand it, maybe that is just my problem. I am wired differently than everyone else. I lead myself on too much. I know we have chemistry and then I assumed that actually meant something to someone other than myself.
The weird thing is that I now know its over. I am at least at peace with that. I am used to being a bit down and alone. I just get too excited by the idea of being with someone. I think either way I would have felt ok. I must be the only person who gets lonely. She sure doesn't seem to want that kind of companionship. Maybe i want it too much. I really want to rewire my brain and how it works. I am just tired of this. I don't want to be wanting this all the time. I want to be able to just shrug it off and not care. I envy her for being able to do that.
I really want to not be messed up like this anymore. This could just be that I am not healthy enough to be in a relationship.
I still think part of the problem is that she is afraid to be in a relationship where everything is on the table. She definitely held back a lot in the relationship when she started thinking about this. I just don't think you can go through a relationship and hide things that bother you. I might just expect people to be too open and honest about stuff.
I need to take some time to reflect upon this and to continue working on myself.I know I need to work on myself a lot both physically and psychologically. I need to take some time away from girls, not that I actually have to try to do that. I am glad I at least had a chance to talk to this girl and get some answers. I need to figure out what it is I want in the future. This time around I was really just looking for someone to do things with and then if that developed into something that would be ok. If not, oh well.
For those who will be asking from this, yes I am ok. I am not really depressed from this, maybe it has not set in yet, or maybe I have learned to work with it.
posted by weckpd | 10:17 PM
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