Can't Sleep, Clowns Will Eat Me
Well the first part of the title is true. I really just can't sleep tonight. I want my brain to shut off, but tonight that just isn't happening. Maybe its because I stayed up until 2 last night for the first time in over a week. I don't know. Lots of different things have been going through my mind. I might just need to reflect some on the page.
I have been thinking about this last girl that I dated, even though I have not seen her in probably two months. I would like to talk to her, but my problem is that I revert back to how I felt before. I still just want to know what happened. I know part of the reason that she freaked at first was that I was too open with things. I was not really raised in an emotionally open environment, I had to make myself into someone like that. I really like being open about my emotions, and she said she wanted to be completely about that too, but I guess I was just too open about everything.
I really should probably just steer clear of dating until I get myself figure out. The saddest thing is that I still miss just talking to her. I know she definitely does not feel the same way so I need to find a way to get over it.
I guess my uncle is at least aware that I have a blog, he referenced it in a conversation we had during christmas with my dad. At least I think that was what he was referencing. I will just have to give Uncle Eric a shoutout!
Did I just write shoutout for the first time? In my 101st blog post. Weird huh?
He actually had suggested that I write about one movie a week, which is not a bad idea. I might work into that some time. I would like to blog more often, but really only do it as needed. I have a few other things I want to write about I just need to make myself sit down and do it.
I was at home sick for a lot of this past week with a pretty nasty cold, and possibly also some allergies. It helped me recharge my batteries some. I needed some mental health time, but when do I not need some of that?
I still really don't know what my dream job is, and it is starting to bug me. I like my job at the SBDC helping people with their businesses. My boss at that job was encouraging me to take the GRE and start grad school, but I don't even know if I would want to go for an MBA or a degree in something completely different. I might be looking for a better second job as well. Looking for a job as a bank teller or something. Kinda tired of the grocery store right now, but I have said that before. The flexibility with scheduling is what makes it so easy to work there though.
I need to find a way to get out there and make some new friends. The fact that I have severe social anxiety never really helped me make friends. I have some good friends who I talk to regularly, but most of them don't live in the area anymore. I really don't have anyone to even go to the movies with around here. I think my taste in movies is hard to find in a friend, or at least someone who would tolerate the movies I would like to see and then openly discuss them afterward. I guess I have not tried lately, so I only have myself to blame. I need to deal with my anxiety, maybe through self help. Some things are just so hard for me to do, I can't even explain it.
Weirdly enough that was yet another thing that I liked about the last girl I dated. She was very social, and I really thought she would more or less make me get over it, and at least be someone who would be there with me, but then again that was me looking way to far into the future of a relationship that barely even happened. Back on that topic, she said that we moved too fast, but I think we moved to fast for her, not for me. We didn't do all that much physically, I thought we really connected emotionally and intellectually though. I think that connection might have scared her off too. Maybe another problem I have is that I just get too connected to girls. But this one was talking as if she was on the same level, then just bailed, then bailed, then we got back together, but she didnt feel the same any more.
I guess I just needed to vent some stuff out on here huh? I probably won't even post this on facebook and twitter until Monday. I just wanted to write this stuff out to get my brain to relax, as I have been known to do.
I really want to be over this girl, but another part of me just wants to have another shot with her, but I don't see that happening any time soon. I guess I was too aggressive in trying to find out what went wrong, or just getting a straight answer on something. Aggressive was her word. I guess the tone of my text message or chatting was mean, I don't know. I am sure it is for the best that we are not together, but I just want to know why. I could try ust talking to her but I know I would revert back to my having feelings and she will stay at her not having any for me. I just don't understand why. I feel like I have made no progress at all in 2 months and that seems sad to me, but I guess not uncommon for me. I just think I did not develop emotionally like others. I feel like I am emotionally retarded.
My first real date was when I was 19, and that has led to a long line of rejection for the most part.
Well That was my venting for tonight. I will have some more interesting things in the future.
Please comment, or tweet me.
Peter
@weckpd on Twitter
I have been thinking about this last girl that I dated, even though I have not seen her in probably two months. I would like to talk to her, but my problem is that I revert back to how I felt before. I still just want to know what happened. I know part of the reason that she freaked at first was that I was too open with things. I was not really raised in an emotionally open environment, I had to make myself into someone like that. I really like being open about my emotions, and she said she wanted to be completely about that too, but I guess I was just too open about everything.
I really should probably just steer clear of dating until I get myself figure out. The saddest thing is that I still miss just talking to her. I know she definitely does not feel the same way so I need to find a way to get over it.
I guess my uncle is at least aware that I have a blog, he referenced it in a conversation we had during christmas with my dad. At least I think that was what he was referencing. I will just have to give Uncle Eric a shoutout!
Did I just write shoutout for the first time? In my 101st blog post. Weird huh?
He actually had suggested that I write about one movie a week, which is not a bad idea. I might work into that some time. I would like to blog more often, but really only do it as needed. I have a few other things I want to write about I just need to make myself sit down and do it.
I was at home sick for a lot of this past week with a pretty nasty cold, and possibly also some allergies. It helped me recharge my batteries some. I needed some mental health time, but when do I not need some of that?
I still really don't know what my dream job is, and it is starting to bug me. I like my job at the SBDC helping people with their businesses. My boss at that job was encouraging me to take the GRE and start grad school, but I don't even know if I would want to go for an MBA or a degree in something completely different. I might be looking for a better second job as well. Looking for a job as a bank teller or something. Kinda tired of the grocery store right now, but I have said that before. The flexibility with scheduling is what makes it so easy to work there though.
I need to find a way to get out there and make some new friends. The fact that I have severe social anxiety never really helped me make friends. I have some good friends who I talk to regularly, but most of them don't live in the area anymore. I really don't have anyone to even go to the movies with around here. I think my taste in movies is hard to find in a friend, or at least someone who would tolerate the movies I would like to see and then openly discuss them afterward. I guess I have not tried lately, so I only have myself to blame. I need to deal with my anxiety, maybe through self help. Some things are just so hard for me to do, I can't even explain it.
Weirdly enough that was yet another thing that I liked about the last girl I dated. She was very social, and I really thought she would more or less make me get over it, and at least be someone who would be there with me, but then again that was me looking way to far into the future of a relationship that barely even happened. Back on that topic, she said that we moved too fast, but I think we moved to fast for her, not for me. We didn't do all that much physically, I thought we really connected emotionally and intellectually though. I think that connection might have scared her off too. Maybe another problem I have is that I just get too connected to girls. But this one was talking as if she was on the same level, then just bailed, then bailed, then we got back together, but she didnt feel the same any more.
I guess I just needed to vent some stuff out on here huh? I probably won't even post this on facebook and twitter until Monday. I just wanted to write this stuff out to get my brain to relax, as I have been known to do.
I really want to be over this girl, but another part of me just wants to have another shot with her, but I don't see that happening any time soon. I guess I was too aggressive in trying to find out what went wrong, or just getting a straight answer on something. Aggressive was her word. I guess the tone of my text message or chatting was mean, I don't know. I am sure it is for the best that we are not together, but I just want to know why. I could try ust talking to her but I know I would revert back to my having feelings and she will stay at her not having any for me. I just don't understand why. I feel like I have made no progress at all in 2 months and that seems sad to me, but I guess not uncommon for me. I just think I did not develop emotionally like others. I feel like I am emotionally retarded.
My first real date was when I was 19, and that has led to a long line of rejection for the most part.
Well That was my venting for tonight. I will have some more interesting things in the future.
Please comment, or tweet me.
Peter
@weckpd on Twitter
Labels: depression, jobs, relationship, Simpsons Reference, Sleepy, social anxiety
posted by weckpd | 12:41 AM
|
0 comments
